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the tests behind blessings, the blessings behind tests

I totally believe that everything happens for a reason. There’s no shame in not seeing the obvious part on your first try, because the universe as we know it is very, very twisted. My world has been flipped, shaken, and turned around since last year. Everything is different and unfamiliar. I have to adapt and learn to understand it once more. It is a SUPER blessing when I think about it. I’m sitting on, like, five granted wishes that I’m pretty sure not everyone gets. It looks like a coincidence at first, but it’s something that God wanted to happen. Maybe if I had known everything would turn out like this, I wouldn’t have been such an eyesore to everyone around me back then. I was notorious for not obeying rules and intentionally not attending social events just because I felt powerless and thought that nothing could go my way. And this has been my biggest lesson ever: not to think narrowly and assume that God didn’t care about me. Still, I wouldn’t have been able to s...
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Beyond Blessed

It's over. It's finally over! Sumber dari segala sumber perasaan buruk yang saya rasakan sudah hilang. Alhamdulillah. Tidak terasa 5 tahun sudah berlalu sejak saya menginjakkan kaki di Gorontalo. Gorontalo dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangannya menjadi tempat pertama saya bekerja. Menapaki kehidupan berkarir yang penuh petualangan. Bagi saya, tidak ada tempat yang lebih cocok bagi pemula karir selain disana. Namun seperti apa yang telah sering saya bicarakan, sejak dua tahun lalu, saya telah memiliki alasan untuk saya pergi. Stres, marah, sedih, semua itu telah saya lewati. Now the question is: "what am I going to do?"

Newfound Motivation

It's enough. I believe living like this is enough. It should be. It has to be. Ketika saya berencana menikah, tentu ini bukan kehidupan pernikahan yang saya bayangkan. Hampir dua tahun berlalu dan kami masih belum melihat ada jalan untuk kami hidup berdua. Semesta memang lucu ya. Saya mengadu kepada Yang Maha Kuasa. Namun Yang Maha Kuasa lah yang menempatkan saya di posisi sekarang ini. Jika Yang Maha Kuasa berkehendak ini jalan bagi kami, selagi kami tetap berusaha, saya percaya kehidupan pernikahan seperti ini tidak akan Ia murkai. Pasti ada maksud dibalik keputusan-Nya membiarkan kami di posisi ini. Meski begitu saya hanyalah seorang manusia. Tidak ada salahnya bukan jika kadang saya merasa putus asa dalam tiap langkah saya? Hanya melangkah kedepan yang saya bisa lakukan. Meski itu sambil menangis, meronta dan mengumpat sekalipun. Jika saya terlihat melakukan segala cara halal yang bisa dilakukan, ya, saya memang se-putus asa itu dan nekat mencoba apa yang saya bisa. Biarkan kat...

At this point

I know how to describe this It's a feeling in which I'm powerless to change my situations. It's almost been two years now This feels like eternity, it's like all my life I've been in this position And the past is nonexistent, even if I remember it it's very vague and hazy. I feel like this situation will not get better, at least anytime soon. It surely will gets worse.

distractions, distractions, distractions.

i've done everything i could just to distract myself from reality let's call it "self improvement" for the sake of coolness but i know well that it doesn't help my situation not even the slightest reading books, writing gibberish on this blog, playing games, working out and going to the gym, bicycling, making papercrafts and even watching youtube videos can i call those a coping mechanism? sometimes i got really tired the reality got into my mind and i can't do any of those even if they're objectively fun in that situation i can't help but wonder when will this end? will this ever end?

crushing pressure

"Hen, tau gak si A sama istrinya pindah" "Hen si B udah pindah" "Hen kok kamu belum pindah" Somehow being told that I'm not the only one with this circumstances doesn't reassure me. What do you know about my situation? Do you think you understand how I feel? Do you think someone that you thought have the same situation as mine REALLY got no help like me? Shut up. I thought some people didn't care about me anymore, but maybe they don't care about me in the first place?

unfortunate circumstances

I noticed something different about myself, I no longer care about my appearance, I no longer care about people's feelings, Hell I no longer care about other people in general I have burned bridges and become this bitter person that lost the ability to empathize with others. Ada hal yang terjadi ketika kita berada dalam sebuah situasi terlalu lama, kita beradaptasi dengan sekitar kita dan lama kelamaan itu menjadi bagian dari diri kita. Saya tidak pernah membayangkan akan ada di posisi seperti ini begini lamanya. Semua hal di dunia ini jelas terlihat seperti sudah terencana dan terorganisir untuk membuat hidup saya sehambar mungkin sampai akarnya. Semua itu terjadi pada tahapan yang paling kecil dan perlahan yang sama sekali tidak saya sadari sehingga ketika saya mengetahuinya, semua itu sudah terlambat dan sudah terjadi pada tingkatan yang fundamental. Diri saya juga mengalami perubahan mikro itu seiring kehidupan saya yang bertransisi. Rasa empati yang hilang, semangat menjalani ...